(In a lighter vein)

By Vincent Van Ross

I have never thought of cricket as a game of any consequence. Because, the only point it has ever made is a ‘silly point!’

In cricket, the baller does not ball. It is the bowler who bowls! But, if the bowler is supposed to bowl, why does he use a ball? Why doesn’t he use a bowl?

Sometimes, the bowler bowls and the umpire looks back and says ‘no ball’…now, how can a ball be a ‘no ball’? Sometimes the umpire even terms some ball as a ‘wide ball’. Now, how can the width of a ball change in the middle of an over? Is this some kind of a magic?

The batsman does not bat each time. Sometimes, he hits and misses. Sometimes, he takes a stance and keeps staring at the bowler as if he has not bowled! When the batsman feels that the wicket keeper is taking it easy…when the batsman feels that the wicket keeper might grow lazy, he lets an odd ball slip by.

Sometimes, when the wicket-keeper feels that a particular ball is a great ball he does not move an inch. He just admires the ball and lets it pass! After all, it was such a nice ball. Even the batsman could not touch it. A good ball certainly deserves a boundary—doesn’t it?

Again, a wicket-keeper is supposed to keep the wicket…at all costs. However, in cricket, the wicket-keeper is not at all concerned about keeping the wicket. He stumps the wickets and brings them down at the first opportunity!

I have always felt that the batsman, the runner and the wicket-keeper are all hand-in-glove with each other. My suspicion stems from the fact that they are the only ones who wear gloves when they play!

The fielders don’t know a thing. They have no idea about their field. They have never done any farming. So, they just hop around the field…and get paid for it!

Cricket is the only game in which the players on the ‘on’ side and the ‘off’ side belong to the same side!

You have a cover, an extra cover and a deep extra cover. But, none of them cover anything. Not even books. They are just fielders!

Then you have a slip who fails to slip! You have a galley, I don’t know for what. You have a forward short leg ad a backward short leg. Nobody has ever explained why we need these legs! If that is not enough, you also have a square leg! I fail to understand as to why we need to distort the shape of our legs.

When the batsman goes in for a ‘sweep’ shot, he cleans nothing. When he executes a ‘pull’ shot, the ball does not get pulled towards him. When he goes in for a square cut, it does not cut anything. It doesn’t hurt anybody. There is no cut anywhere. If you are fed up with the square cut, the cricket game could also dish out a late cut for you!

Somebody told me that cricket is not a game. He said it is an insect! And, if it is a game, it is a funny one. It is a joke. You bet!

By the way, betting is a setting of the captain or player(s) of a team with some bookie to perform or not to perform a certain act in a particular match. Is that clear? No? Sorry, I am short of skills to make it more complicated!

Is this enough to start some cricketing controversies…?