By Vincent Van Ross

Santa and Banta are frontrunners of the Indian Joke Industry…if there is any industry by that name! Obviously, they are super heroes of the joke industry in their own land of five rivers—Punjab—as well from where all their jokes seem to originate. It is difficult to imagine a Punjabi joke without Santa or Banta because they are the soul of Punjabi jokes. But, can Punjabi jokes be manufactured outside Punjab?

Why not? If Chole Bhatoore can be made in Delhi and Masala Dosa can be made in Punjab, why can’t Santa and Banta jokes be manufactured outside Punjab? It is with this conviction that I have ventured into the humour-land of Santa and Banta!

These are jokes that Santa and Banta themselves don’t know about. Even Khushwant Singh has not heard of these jokes. If he had, he might have used them in his newspaper columns!

Here is a sampler from the jokes of Santa and Banta I have created. These are original jokes because these are Punjabi jokes manufactured in Delhi by a non-Punjabi!

1. Santa and Banta are overtaken by a traffic cop when they were speeding away on a motorbike at 80 kmph.
Asked why they were being stopped, the cop tells them that they were driving at a speed of 80 kmph whereas the speed limit is 60 kmph.
“What speed were you driving at when you overtook us?” asks Banta.
“About 100 kmph,” responds the cop without realising what he was saying!
“Does the law of the land apply to youl?” Banta asks the puzzled cop.

2. Santa hires an autorickshaw to attend an interview. On the way, someone grabs his briefcase at a traffic signal and runs away. Santa raises an alarm and requests the people to chase the thief. But, nobody does that. Instead, a crowd gathers around the auto-rickshaw to watch the fun!
When Santa complains that nobody went after the thief, one of them asks Santa: “Was there a lot of money in the briefcase?”
“No,” replies Santa.
“Then, there must have been some expensive jewellery?”
“No,” says Santa.
“What was there in the briefcase?” asks the man furiously.
“Well, a call letter for my interview and a few photocopies of my certificates,” responds Santa.
“Then, why did you raise such a hue-and-cry?” shouts the man.
“Because,…my briefcase is worth 3,000 rupees,” replies Santa sheepishly!

3. Santa and Banta move into a new apartment. The local police comes calling after a month.
When Santa enquires about the purpose of the policeman’s visit, he tells Santa that the lady next door had lodged a complaint that Santa keeps staring at her from his balcony!
“That is not my fault,” retorts Santa. “It is you policemen who introduced this “Neighbourhood Watch” scheme in our colony!”

4. One day a friend visits Santa and Banta and finds them changing the number plates of their car. Out of sheer curiosity he asks them as to what they were up to?
“We are changing the number plates of our car, “explains Santa. “We are going to Delhi and our car has a Punjab number!”

5. Santa and Banta are stopped by a cop while they were riding their mobike. Santa tries to get the better of him by telling him: “Sir, this is an emergency..I am in great hurry.”
“And, what is that emergency if I may know?” asks the policeman.
“My girlfriend needs to see me urgently. She sent me an “SOS.”
The policeman lets out a loud laugh. “Try some other excuse,” he suggests.
“Why?” asks Santa nervously.
“You say your girlfriend has sent an SOS to… YOU?” asks the policeman.
“Yes,” Santa confirms nervously.
“Then, tell me, my friend,” asks the policeman, “where is your pillion rider headed for?”

As I said, these are Santa and Banta jokes manufactured in Delhi away from their hometown in Punjab. Should I call these the original jokes of Santa and Banta? Or, should I call them duplicates? You decide!